How to Recognize & End Toxic Fights in Your Relationship

Whether you like someone or not there are going to be times when you have disagreements with your friends, family, partners, spouse, co-workers, or neighbors. Here are some powerful tricks to make sure your relationships are healthy and balanced!

1. Bring Up Problems ASAP

Many people will try to walk on eggshells or avoid bringing up how they feel but this will actually cause a lot of extra stress and issues in your relationship.

When you don’t tell someone how their behavior made you feel it is actually a form of manipulation.  It is holding on to the power or energy instead of passing it back so that they can learn and grow.  If people don’t know how they are affecting you then they cannot fix it.

If you don’t catch it in the moment or it is not an appropriate time make sure you bring it up with them as soon as you can.  The quicker you address issues and resolve them the better everyone will feel.

ar134532768120402Have a hard time catching problems in real time?  One trick is to trust your gut.  If someone says something that creates a strange feeling in your stomach that is a sign that something happened that affected you.

When I get that feeling I will make a point to stop the conversation and if they are a close friend or loved one they will typically help me figure it out.

Example- In a calm balanced tone I will say: “Just a min please, when you said that I felt funny.  I am not sure why but I would like to figure it out before we move on so I can understand what you mean.”

Remember that what you say and what people hear is always going to be different.  This is because our mood, focus and perceptions are always filtering information.  Tone and energy can also be a huge factor in how information is transferred between people.

When issues are brought up stay calm and try to see what really happened instead of getting defensive.  I will go more into this later.

2. Be the Real You

It is very common to act different with friends and loved ones than you do alone or in public.  Part of feeling whole and being true to ourselves it to try and make these versions us as consistent as possible.

Be the real you, do what you feel compelled to do.  Say what you are really feeling.  If you aren’t interested in what someone is saying either find a way to truly get interested or find a topic you are both interested it.

Pretending to listen and be interested isn’t being true to yourself and is harmful to the people around you.  Be honest, polite and genuine in your interactions.

3. Treat People the Way THEY want to be Treated

choco_vanilla_swirl_answer_7_xlargeThats right, because we are all different we cannot treat people the way we want to be treated.  We have to learn more about the people around us and treat them the way they want to be treated.

We can’t feed a room of people our favorite flavor of ice cream and expect them to be as happy and excited about it as we are.  We need to reach out and make sure the people around us know that we know them.  We prove that to them by really getting to know them!

There is a very powerful article written by a hero of mine that goes into this topic more.  Check it out here!

4. Look into their Eyes and Recognise that you are One

In the end we are all human, we all have flaws and we all have fear.  As long as all parties are still coming to the table we need to keep doing our best to work out our differences.


I remember once getting into a fight with my husband.  I was so mad at him I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to be ok with him again.  What flipped it around for me was when I looked deep into his eyes and saw that the reason why he had lied was because he was afraid of being alone.

I felt that same fear deep inside myself and realized that I did things that were sometimes crazy to avoid ending up alone too.  Though our crimes looked different we had the same core fear about loneliness.  How could I be mad at him without also being mad at myself.

Like they say “The things you hate most in the people around you are things you cannot stand about yourself.”  Even if the behavior is different on the outside often the mirror of life is showing us problems we have inside ourselves.

Sometimes we cannot do anything to change the past and the only thing we can do is earnestly move forward to make a better tomorrow.

That helped me forgive my husband and also work hard to make sure I treated him with love and respect.  In the end I saw myself in his eyes and I knew that what I needed for growth in my life was understand and love.  So I gave that to him freely and we both healed.

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5. Listen

Woman leaning her face on her hand and listening to her co-workerWhen people are speaking to us we need to listen.  We need to really hear what they are saying and try to see through their eyes about the situation.  We need to learn to put ourself on pause in order to really do this well.

Focus on the moment and take in as much data as you can.  If you have feelings of fear try to take a deep breath and feel what the other person is feeling.  Fear will cloud your ability to see what is really going on.

Listen and ask questions until you feel that you can see what the other person means.

When you are the one expressing yourself make sure when you are done that you “pass the energy back” by asking them to express what they are feeling about the topic.  Creating a healthy flow is key to a good healthy relationship.  Check out this video on the Grand MisConception to learn more about the flow of energy in a relationship!

6. Observe how the Person is Feeling rather than Always Asking

Sometimes it is fine to ask someone how they are feeling but sometimes people get scared and won’t say everything that is going on.  They don’t always do it on purpose.  Sometimes people get upset and they don’t remember what caused it.

That is why sometimes we need to be a bit of a detective to help them out.  Often the answers are all around us and we just need to use our senses to observe the environment to learn more.

Look around- Is the area messy?  Are there bad smells?  Did you forget to put away the laundry?  Clean up all of your vibrations and make sure that you pay attention to what could be straining the physical space.

Think back- Was there something said recently that would cause a misunderstanding?  Are there any important dates or big events that have happened or are coming soon?  Are you aware of any strained relationships or emotional patterns that could be causing problems?


If you see someone struggling to do something, it is often better to jump in and help rather than ask the person if they need help.  Such as opening a door or carrying in groceries.

Don’t Ignore people when they appear to need your help.  Sometimes we pretend to not notice because we aren’t feeling good, we are being lazy or are just plain busy.  Those are the times that we need to go out of our way to help the people around us.

If we don’t know what we should do we should ask them:

“Hey, I see that you are upset, I want to help but I am not sure exactly how.  I have thought of X, Y and Z but I wanted to check with you first to see if there is anything else that would really make a big difference.”

One of the most powerful things to recognise about the example above is that you took the time to recognise that the other person is hurting AND have already come up with a few ideas to help them out.  If they are hurting or upset don’t make them do all the work in coming up with a way to make it better.

The last biggest part of listening that is important is allowing people to fully feel the emotions they are feeling.  Especially in times of loss and grieving we have to resist the urge to change the subject, avoid talking about hard topics, or diffuse the situation.  It is ok to talk about the real issues.  It is healthy to explore fears about death and other culturally taboo topics.

7. Find out their Favorite Food/Treat

photo_couple_surprise_present_smileWhen vibrations are low and people aren’t happy sometimes a special treat or act of service is exactly what they need to reverse the downward spiral.  Pay attention to what people like to eat, drink or receive so that you can cheer them up.

This will show the person that you not only cared enough to know what they like but you noticed that they are feeling a little down.  You showed them that you care.

If you want to know more about this check out the book The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman to find out more about yourself and those you are close to.

8. Be Patient

Recognize that we are all human.  We all make mistakes.  If we want people to be patient with us when we mess up we must do the same for them.  No matter how smart or spiritual you are we all have bad days and make mistakes.  There is nothing wrong with this.

Part of being a loving being of light is allowing others to make mistakes and working with them on their personal growth.  Many of us are reprograming our minds to react in the best way possible in all situations.  There will be times when we are scared, tired or angry and we will make mistakes.

9. Breathe

When things get hard take a few deep breaths and see try to see the situation from the other person’s eyes.  Hearing that we messed up is almost always an uncomfortable feeling.  Often we immediately either deny that we did anything wrong or have a list of excuses as to why we acted that way.

We need to grow into responsible souls that take ownership of our own creations.  What that means is that if someone is offended or confused because of something we did then we need to take the appropriate steps to clarify, apologize and then fix the situation.

If we are unable to fix it then we need to be extra cautious in the future to avoid making the same mess.  That is how we will avoid loops of repeated problems in our relationships.

It is also our responsibility to create a safe space where people feel comfortable coming to us and expressing how they feel.

If people are taking the time and being brave enough to tell you what you did to hurt them then this is a message from the universe to look at ourselves and grow.  Thank the person for being brave enough to tell you how they felt about what you did.

10. Admit When you are Wrong

o-TWO-PEOPLE-TALKING-facebookThis takes a lot of guts but is also one of the biggest signs of a mature soul.  Tell people when you recognise that you created a situation or said something that caused them harm.

“I see that when I said that, it could have caused pain in you.  I am very sorry for doing that.  I am working on how I word things and making sure that I am respectful of you and your feelings.”  

You may also ask them for ideas that you can use in the future to handle that situation with them better.  People typically want to help you be nicer to them and will gladly give you ideas to improve how you interact with them.

11. Gratitude

Kids_hugging_BRAND_PHO_ENFrequently tell the other person when you recognise them doing things for you or sacrificing for you.

“Hey, I saw that you missed your favorite TV show to make sure I came home to a clean house.  I really appreciate that.” 

“Thank you for telling me that, I know it can be scary to talk about feelings but I want you to know that I recognise the courage you just displayed.” 

“Thank you for listening to me while I figure this out.  What are your thoughts?”

“Thank you for suggesting we go to my favorite restaurant.  I really appreciate you caring about me and taking interest in what I like to eat. “

A little gratitude will go a long way with the people around you and encourage them to interact in a more healthy way with you as well.  Leading by example is the best way to show others how you wish to be treated.

In life we all have things we can learn and become better at.  It takes practice and understanding.  Talk to the people you are close with and let them know that you are working on creating healthier relationships in your life.  Ask them to give you feedback and be patient as you learn to express how you really feel.

Thank you for reading and let us know what tricks you have used to create successful relationships in your life!

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